I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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