Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
