don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
