I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
