So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
