Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
