I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
