My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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