I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
