My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
