take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
