So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
