"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
