Reggie can tackle my bush.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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