I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
