Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
