i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
