you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I love you. Go after that dick
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
