the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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