Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
