I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
