My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
