I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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