if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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