blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
