I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
