I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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