definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
