I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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