i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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