I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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