You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
