): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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