I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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