Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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