how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Vodka?
Forever.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
