wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
