The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
