I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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