I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
