he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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