Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
