I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
