I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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