Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
