just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
