Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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