I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
