No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Your cock deserves a montage
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
