that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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