i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
