dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
