I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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