No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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