So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
you had me at cake vodka
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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