i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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