Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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